Winner of the SBWC 2024 Humorous Story Contest in Memory of Ian Bernard
Edna, a librarian in her seventies with a penchant for cat-eye glasses and an adoration for hushed corridors and quiet rooms, was the epitome of serenity and order. She was known in her small town for her meticulously organized book club and her skill in finding the perfect novel for even the most reluctant reader. Edna had planned what she thought would be a peaceful escape - a yoga retreat at the tranquil Lake Serenity. However, it seemed fate had a different plan.
Upon her arrival, instead of the anticipated sounds of birds and gentle waves, Edna was greeted by the thumping bass of electronic dance music and the raucous cheers of college students engaged in a spirited game of limbo under a “Party Like it’s 1999” banner. The serene retreat she envisioned was nowhere in sight, replaced instead by “Spring Break at the Lake.”
Yet, something in the air - perhaps the wild energy or the sheer absurdity of the situation - stirred a long-forgotten sense of adventure in Edna. With a bemused smile, she muttered, “When in Rome.” She replaced her green tea with something neon from a suspiciously large punch bowl and stepped into the heart of the celebration.
Initially bewildered by her presence, the students soon found themselves in awe of this unlikely partygoer. On the volleyball court, to everyone’s shock, her serve was a hurricane, knocking over three sunbathers and a confused seagull.
As dusk settled each day, the party transformed. The first night, Edna took the dance floor and dazzled partygoers with her unexpectedly wild dance moves, blending tai chi fluidity with a surprising amount of hip thrusts.
Then, Edna found herself in the throes of an unexpected challenge: beer pong. Initially skeptical of this peculiar college pastime, Edna soon became the undisputed queen of the beer pong table. With a flick of the wrist, she became a beer pong sharpshooter, drawing in more spectators than a rare book sale.
With every successful shot, Edna dispensed wisdom wrapped in humor. “In my day, we played with chisels and slabs!” she quipped, sending the students into fits of laughter. Her signature move – a gentle toss followed by a theatrical bow – became as legendary as her top-shelf book recommendations.
But it wasn’t just her unexpected athleticism that won the crowd; it was her ability to turn each game into a comedy show. She’d feign forgetfulness, “Oh, is it my turn? I was just reminiscing about The Industrial Revolution,” before swiftly landing a perfect shot.
On karaoke night, Edna brought down the house with a rap version of “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,” complete with choreography and a smoke machine. The crowd went wild, chanting, “Ep-ic Ed-na! Ep-ic Ed-na!”
Over the weeks, Edna, our septuagenarian heroine, didn’t just attend Spring Break – she reinvented it. Her participation in the sandcastle building competition turned heads when she sculpted a remarkably detailed replica of the Taj Mahal – using only a spade and her denture case. Her masterpiece was crowned “Best Digs,” a title she wore more proudly than her orthopedic shoes.
Her fame grew. Students hung on her every word, whether she was reminiscing about Woodstock or explaining the proper way to iron a shirt. They even started a Twitter account for her daily wisdom, #EpicEdna.
As Spring Break ’24 drew to a close, Edna, now a legend, packed her belongings. Her tie-dye yoga pants, a gift from her newfound admirers, starkly contrasted her usual floral skirts. Her collection of friendship bracelets jingled like wind chimes as she hugged each student goodbye.
In a grand finale, Edna decided to make her exit memorable. She commandeered a jet ski, a vehicle she’d never operated before, insisting on a dramatic departure. With a mischievous glint in her eye, she revved the engine, shouting over the roar, “Remember, life’s a beach, and then you drive!”
As she zoomed off, her sunhat took flight, soaring behind her like a victory flag, leaving the students cheering. They watched in awe as the woman who’d shown up with a suitcase full of tea bags and knitting needles left as Edna, the Spring Break Legend of ’24 – the coolest grandma they never had. 02
